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An everyday example of Ellis's ABC model: you send a message and get no reply all day (A), you think "they don't care about me, nobody ever thinks of me" (B), and you spend the evening low and checking your phone (C). If you dispute that belief (D) and swap it for "I don't know why she hasn't replied; she may be busy", the feeling drops to a manageable unease and you get on with something else (E).
Below are seven everyday situations worked through the same way, letter by letter. If you need the theory first (what each letter means, where the model comes from and how to use it in session), it is in the guide to Albert Ellis's ABC model. This page is examples only.
How should you read these examples?
Each example follows the ABCDE sequence of rational emotive behaviour therapy, which Albert Ellis set out in the mid-1950s (Wikipedia): A is the activating event, B the belief about it, C the emotional and behavioural consequence, D disputing the belief and E the new, more effective belief. In the B beliefs you will see four patterns the model itself describes come up again and again: rigid demands ("should", "must"), awfulizing ("it's awful"), low frustration tolerance ("I can't stand it") and global rating of yourself or others ("I'm a failure").
What does the ABC model look like in personal relationships?
1. The unanswered message
Sophie messages her best friend to meet up on Saturday. Nine hours later there is still no reply, even though she can see her friend has been online.
A. Message read and unanswered for nine hours.
B. "If she was online and didn't answer, she doesn't care. I'm always the one who makes plans; nobody ever thinks of me."
C. Sadness and resentment. She checks her phone every few minutes and drafts a second, reproachful message, then deletes it.
D. Does being online prove her friend read it calmly and chose to ignore it? What other explanations are there? Is it true that she always makes the plans and nobody thinks of her, or can she remember the last time her friend reached out?
E. "I don't know why she hasn't replied. She may be caught up in something. If there's still nothing tomorrow, I'll call her." Emotion: some disappointment, no grudge. Behaviour: she puts the phone down and carries on with her evening.
2. The partner who is late for dinner
Andrew booked a restaurant for his partner's birthday. She arrives 40 minutes late because a meeting overran.
A. His partner arrives 40 minutes late to the dinner he organised.
B. "She should have left on time; this was my plan. If she can't be on time today, work matters more to her than I do."
C. Cold anger. He barely talks during dinner and the celebration is spoiled for both of them.
D. Where is the rule that a meeting can never overrun? Does being late once prove what she cares about most? Does that conclusion help him enjoy what is left of the evening?
E. "It annoys me that she was late and I'll tell her. A long meeting doesn't measure how she feels about me." Emotion: proportionate irritation. Behaviour: he mentions it when she arrives, she apologises, and they get on with dinner.
And what does it look like at work?
3. Corrected in front of everyone
In the weekly meeting, Claire's manager points out an error in her report in front of the whole team.
A. Her manager corrects an error in her report in a meeting of six people.
B. "It's obvious I'm no good. Everyone has seen how incompetent I am. It's humiliating; I won't be able to face them."
C. Intense shame. She says nothing more in the meeting and lies awake that night replaying the scene.
D. Does one error in one report make a person incompetent? What did her previous reviews say? How many colleagues will remember the correction in a week? What would she say to a colleague this happened to?
E. "I made a mistake and it was pointed out. I would have preferred it in private, and I can ask for that. One error doesn't define my work." Emotion: passing discomfort. Behaviour: she fixes the report and asks her manager to give future comments one-to-one.
4. No word after a job interview
James had a final interview two weeks ago. He was told he would hear back "in a few days" and has heard nothing.
A. Two weeks of silence after a final interview.
B. "They've obviously picked someone else. It always happens: I get to the last round and get turned down. I'll never find a better job."
C. Discouragement. He stops sending applications, "because what's the point".
D. What evidence does he have that they chose someone else, beyond the silence? Is it true he always gets turned down at the end? Does giving up the search bring him closer to a better job or further away?
E. "I don't know what they've decided. I'll write to ask, and keep my other applications going in the meantime." Emotion: bearable uncertainty. Behaviour: he sends a follow-up email and two new applications that week.
And in everyday frustrations?
5. Stuck in traffic on the way to an appointment
Luke leaves with just enough time for a doctor's appointment and finds the motorway at a standstill after an accident.
A. A 30-minute jam caused by an accident.
B. "This can't be happening today. It's unbearable, everything goes wrong for me. They should close the slip roads when there's an accident."
C. Rage. He leans on the horn, switches lanes several times for no gain and reaches the clinic tense and sweating.
D. Is it actually unbearable, or very annoying? Does everything go wrong for him, or did this go wrong? Does getting angry move the traffic?
E. "It's a pain and I'm going to be late. It isn't up to me. I'll call the clinic and let them know." Emotion: contained frustration. Behaviour: he calls, they move his slot.
6. Failing the driving test
Ellen fails her practical driving test for the second time, for not giving way at a roundabout.
A. Second failed practical test.
B. "I should have passed first time. I'm useless behind the wheel and always will be. It's awful that everyone knows I failed again."
C. Shame and discouragement. She considers never taking it again.
D. Why should she have passed first time? Does one mistake at a roundabout prove she is useless behind the wheel? Which parts of the test did she do well? Does she know anyone who passed on the third try and drives fine today?
E. "I got one specific manoeuvre wrong and I can practise it. It's annoying, but it's not a disaster." Emotion: disappointment. Behaviour: she books two lessons focused on roundabouts and signs up again.
7. The child who hasn't done his homework
For the third evening running, Mark finds out at nine o'clock that his 11-year-old hasn't done his homework.
A. His son has not done his homework for the third day.
B. "He has to do what I say the first time. If he doesn't, he's making a fool of me. I'm a bad father if I can't manage something this simple."
C. Anger and guilt. He shouts, takes the games console away for a week and then feels terrible.
D. Why must an 11-year-old do as he is told the first time? Are there other reasons for skipping homework besides making a fool of him (tiredness, not understanding the task, no routine)? Does one unsolved habit make him a bad father?
E. "I'd like him to do it without being asked, and that isn't happening. We need a routine." Emotion: concern. Behaviour: they talk the next day and agree a fixed homework time before the console.
What do all the examples have in common?
The situations are very different, but the B beliefs look a lot alike. This table sums up the pattern in each example and the alternative belief that defuses it.
| Example | Pattern in B | Key phrase in B | Alternative belief (E) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Unanswered message | Rating others, overgeneralising | "Nobody ever thinks of me" | "I don't know why she hasn't replied" |
| Partner late for dinner | Rigid demand | "She should have left on time" | "It annoys me and I'll tell her" |
| Corrected in public | Self-rating, awfulizing | "I'm incompetent" | "One error doesn't define my work" |
| No word after interview | Overgeneralising, negative forecast | "I'll never find anything" | "I don't know what they've decided" |
| Traffic jam | Low frustration tolerance | "It's unbearable" | "It's a pain and it isn't up to me" |
| Driving test | Demand and self-rating | "I'm useless behind the wheel" | "I got one manoeuvre wrong" |
| Homework | Demand, self-rating | "He has to do what I say first time" | "I'd like him to do it" |
The alternative beliefs have three things in common: they describe facts instead of global judgements, they turn "should" into a preference ("I'd like"), and they leave an action open. None of them is especially positive. They are just more accurate, and that is where the ABC model parts ways with "thinking positive".
How do you do your own ABC with a real situation?
Take something that upset you this week and fill in these five lines, in this order:
- A: describe the event the way a camera would record it, with no adjectives.
- C: name the emotion (one word) and what you did.
- B: finish "at that moment I told myself that…". Look for a "should", an "it's awful", an "I can't stand it" or an "I am…".
- D: ask yourself three questions: what is the evidence? Does that conclusion logically follow? Does thinking this way help me?
- E: write the alternative belief and what you would do differently with it.
If B is hard to find, it often helps to work on limiting beliefs first and to name the emotion precisely with Plutchik's wheel of emotions. For step D, these powerful questions are good material.
When is the ABC model not enough?
The ABC model works well with everyday upsets like these. But if the emotion stays intense for weeks, gets in the way of work, sleep or relationships, or thoughts of self-harm appear, that is no longer a coaching matter, and the person should see a mental health professional. We explain the boundary in coaching vs therapy vs mentoring.
How can you use these examples with clients in CoachPro Tools?
CoachPro Tools includes the A-B-C-D-E Model as an interactive tool in the Emotional Management category, and the Changing How You Think - CBT ABCDE tool under Beliefs and Mindset. You can use them live while sharing your screen, or send them by link so your client completes them between sessions without creating an account, then review the answers from the client's record.
The A-B-C-D-E model, interactive and with your brand
Use it live or send it by link, alongside the other emotional-management tools: 30 USD/month, 157 USD/year or a one-time 297 USD.
See plans and pricing →Frequently asked questions
What is a simple example of the ABC model?
You send a message and get no reply (A). You think "they don't care about me" (B). You feel low and keep checking your phone (C). If you dispute that idea (D) and replace it with "I don't know why they haven't replied", the feeling eases and you get on with your day (E).
What do the letters of the ABCDE model stand for?
A is the activating event, B the belief or interpretation about it, C the emotional and behavioural consequence, D disputing that belief, and E the new effect: a more realistic way of seeing the situation, with a healthier emotion and more useful behaviour.
Which types of irrational beliefs appear in the examples?
Rigid demands (should, must), awfulizing (it's awful), low frustration tolerance (I can't stand it) and global rating of yourself or others (I'm a failure). They often come with overgeneralisations such as always and never.
Does the alternative belief have to be positive?
No. It has to be more accurate and more useful, not more optimistic. "It annoys me that she was late and I'll tell her" is a good alternative belief even though it is not cheerful: it acknowledges the irritation without turning it into a verdict on the other person.
Can I use the ABC model on my own, without a coach?
Yes, for everyday situations. Writing out A, C, B, D and E helps you see the belief that was sitting in between. If the distress is intense or lasts for weeks, it is worth seeing a mental health professional.
Related resources: Albert Ellis's ABC model: the theory · Limiting beliefs in coaching · Free limiting beliefs tool